A Day In The Life

Setting sail for the blue horizon

As I write these words I am all too well aware that I do so on borrowed time. Every morning I open my eyes more than a little surprised that I am still around, at least for now. This is not without some cause since I have had quite a few close shaves and now for sure have more years behind me than ahead.

Looking back I cannot truthfully think of a single act I regret. It's not that I am some goody goody two shoes. Whatever I have done I have been able to more than justify to myself. I have never intentionally set out to hurt anybody. Oh that I could say the same for others. I am more sinned against than sinner. Oh well.

The whole point of Samuel Becket's Waiting for Godot is that life is simply a waiting game and that every single thing we do is a mere distraction, something to keep our minds from thinking too much about our own mortality.

In Godot, first and foremost appreciated by the prisoners on death row at San Quentin prison, the two principle characters, Vladimir and Estregon, await their end not knowing whether, in the afterlife, they will be one of the saved or one of the damned. Throughout the play they both welcome whatever distraction passes their way to avoid contemplating too much their ultimate demise.

I am of the mind that most people just do what at any given moment they have the temptation to do. For many folk I don't really think morality comes into play. Right and wrong are merely fleeting thoughts, if that, and play no part in what is actually done.

For my part, I write and edit, I teach and I think. Sometimes I think I think too much. I have my thought toys to play with, music, cars, yachts, current affairs and in some ways above all, learning.

I also like to think back to the days when I was more physically able, when I used to do all sorts of sports like football, badminton, swimming, sailing and surfing. For the time being, due to the lockdown and ill health, they all seem so far way from me ever doing any of them again. I try not to think about that too much, for that way lies frustration and ultimately depression.

My sight, like everything else, is failing, though I like to think that I more than compensate with seeing more with my mind. Like lots of people I have had more than my share of knee jerk reactions to events or other peoples actions. These days I try not to react, I just try to roll with the punches and think on things.

I want for nothing. I have the undying love of a bloody good woman, food and shelter, mostly thanks to my wife, and whatever other creature comforts I could possibly desire, within reason. I am thankful for what I have and try not to lament that which has been lost. Having said that, sometimes negative past events come to intrude my thoughts and I have to make a conscious effort to not let them hijack my present or future, what there is left of it.

My heart, as in my spirit, tells me I have many more years to come. They won't be years like the ones that have gone before, more's the pity and thank god in equal measure. My physical condition tells me otherwise. For now all is pretty much under control, but any attempt at doing anything too physically demanding simply serves to highlight my limitations.

At the end, of the day my lovely wife returns home from work and always seems a little surprised herself, not to say delighted, that I am still around, that I haven't shuffled off this mortal coil whilst her back was turned. I have promised her that I will try to outlive her, which will be quite some task given that she is twenty years younger than I.

And as I sit and ponder over what I have written, the thought occurred to me that I omitted to mention one thing, perhaps the most important thing of all. I still have my dreams.

I still want to learn to fly a plane, to drive an Aston Martin, to sail a yacht around the world. I still want to do a phd, to write a best selling novel, to have a hit record, to perform with Paul McCartney. I still want to travel to Canada and Australia, to Germany and Italy. They are not totally out of the question, but I do seem to be sailing away from most of them rather than towards any of them. Still, at the very least, I can make some passive income right here on the internet and that's a good starting point. So for now at least, my dreams must remain dreams. But I like to remind myself that if you don't have dreams, you can never, ever have a dream come true. So dream on and maybe one day.....